2005-12-27 - 4:55 p.m.
What happened?
MAINLY that the �weiny has gone haywire�. Those are his words, so I don�t feel bad or evil using them, AND, I wouldn�t care OR be all that concerned�.but this last time, he was WAY out of line, going so far as to BLAMING ME !!!!!!!! THIS simply is just NOT RIGHT. Not in any way, shape, or form!! He already KNOWS, and has admitted that lately, he has been having a little, um, �problem� in that area�..and I have been MORE than a good sport, not even caring, even LAUGHING with him when it does happen, but this past weekend, was NOT funny! WHY??? Because he actually had the nerve, the gall, the AUDACITY to BLAME ME for the �reason� of not being able to perform!!!!!
NOW, If this were several months ago, I MIGHT have been able to feel �bad� about myself, but no. With his recent developments, and time and time again HIS and ONLY HIS inability to �get it up�, well�..when it happened this past Sunday night, I was NOT expecting it, as he WAS talking up his usual storm way, saying suggestive things, etc�..but when we got upstairs, and he discovered that ONCE AGAIN he could NOT do anything�.HE told ME it was ME!!!!!
Okay, so I DO admit, that there HAVE been times, like maybe TWO total in 5 � years so far, that I have eaten something, like onions or garlic, and YES, this does come out in my �pores� as it were�.and PERHAPS this was the case, but usually and normally I CAN SMELL IT TOO!!! But on Sunday�.NOPE�.I was just my usual, ordinary self, and his comments were MEAN AND RUDE! THIS, after picking on me for picking on myself, and making me feel like some sort of sub-citizen, sub-human, making fun of me, and acting like a real mean person TO ME.
I do NOT deserve this, and this is not fair. THIS TOO, after he buys me a �Turkish cotton� bath robe, when I SPECIFICALLY asked for �Egyptian cotton� !! BUT, this is his m.o. on gift buying. He usually IGNORES the occasion, OR HE BUYS ME WHATEVER HE WANTS TO BUY ME, NOT WHAT HE KNOWS DARN WELL I WANT.
EXAMPLES:
Christmas 2000 � Our FIRST Christmas together. He tells me he is going to the leather sale, and not only does he GO WITH JULI, but THEY DON�T GET HOME UNTIL AFTER 10 PM, and he doesn�t bother to call me, because THEY are having dinner together, and EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS I AM WAITING FOR HIM TO GET HOME. Then, before they went to the sale, he asked me if I wanted anything there (leather), and I SPECIFICALLY SAID: �NO THANK YOU. I ALREADY HAVE A BLACK LEATHER JACKET. AND I AM NOT A LEATHER JACKET WEARING PERSON.�
SO, what does he get me?? A BLACK LEATHER JACKET. AND TOO, it was a MAN�S STYLE, SO totally UGLY, with little �tabs� all over it, and zippers, and JUST PLAIN BOXY AND UGLY, CLEARLY a mans� jackets, NOT feminine or pretty AT ALL. JUST so he could CROSS ME OFF HIS LIST.
My Birthday 2001: TOTALLY IGNORES THE DAY. Calls me EARLY, and I didn�t answer my cell, SO HE DIDN�T BOTHER CALLING ME THE REST OF THE DAY, OR EVENING AT ALL. NOTHING. AND, my Birthday was on a WEEKEND DAY.
Christmas 2001: He TOLD ME he was getting me a radar detector, I told him �no applicances�, and that I would ACCEPT a radar detector, if he wanted to buy me one, but NOT AS A THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM HIM. I asked him for �a bracelet�. NOT gold, not diamonds, NOPE, JUST �A BRACELET� that HE picked out for me�..AND TOO, at that time, HE KNEW EXACTLY THE SORT OF BRACELETS I WEAR�..beaded, shiny, sparkly, whatever�..and so WHAT DOES HE WRAP AND PUT UNDER THE TREE???? A RADAR DETECTOR !!! Then, as we were leaving that night, he says, �oh I forgot something� and THROWS ME a tiny plastic bag with a �gold� bracelet in it�.does NOT shine, NEVER has, doesn�t sparkle�.made of real gold, but just that always-dirty looking kind of gold. (Note: This was also the Christmas that he went partying with his friends in Pasadena for 2 hours, as I took spawn home with ME to join in OUR family gathering�.he took TOTAL advantage of my �babysitting� so he could go PARTY!!!)
Christmas 2002: I think he got me a 35 mm fuji camera. Great brand. Thanks.
Christmas 2003:
Christmas 2004: He got me a REFURBISHED digital camera, even though he JUST got his estate, and then later his BRAND NEW Ford F-150, followed by ANOTHER brand new Ford F-150, followed by a BMW and a 2001 new Mustang for spawn, PLUS not to mention his brand new swimming pool system, his landscaping, his wood work, his painting jobs, his tile jobs, ALL NEW appliances, trips to Hawaii and Florida, big screen tv, new computers, new surround sound systems, new guitars, new keyboards, and of course his OWN state-of-the-art digital camera for HIMSELF�..and I can HARDLY pay my rent�.but whatever�..REFURBISHED camera, value $100. which was actually BETTER than THIS YEAR, in which he got me a cheap-ass ROBE, AND ONLY THE ROBE for most likely $20 !!!! or as I mentioned, he probably had juli buy it, or SHE received it as a gift, and GAVE IT TO HIM�.. for
Christmas 2005: a TURKISH cotton robe�.NOT EGYPTIAN like I ASKED FOR !!!!! And too, it is about 5 MILES TOO BIG FOR ME. But thanks.
He HAS bought me �presents� here and there�.but NO ONCE has he bought ANYTHING �just for me� because he KNOWS THAT IS WHAT I WANT. It is ALWAYS a case where he buys an item in QUANTITY, like a case, or several of them, and then just happens to give me ONE of the ones, that he also gives to tons of other people. So I am NOT considered special, original, or unique. Just someone on his master �list�.
And, the TWO times he HAS gotten me flowers, it is ALWAYS ones that he drove over to PICK UP HIMSELF, and brought them over, WHEN I AM NOT THERE (OH, and the one time I WAS there, was when he brought old, dried, DEAD flower POT from the super market!, and upon finding out that I was in the shower, AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, well, HE STILL TOOK OFF AND LEFT !!! THEN, he acted MAD AT ME, when I DIDN�T CALL HIM BACK TO SAY �thanks for the flowers� !! AND THIS WAS THE NIGHT OF MY BIRTHDAY!!! NO PLANS, NO NOTHING, FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Right now, I think it is like when he first moved in, and he has a lot on his mind, like:
Stupid joey
House did NOT clear escrow (not that HE needs the $$ !!)
His current �haywire weenie�
And in HIS usual style, he takes things out on ME, because he CAN. It is easy to �dump� on me, because he thinks I have unconditional love for him, and he doesn�t get that from anyone else. AND TOO, one of the things that I think affects our relationship SO adversely, IS his constant communication with juli! SHE fills that �friend� void, where, HE DOESN�T NEED ME FOR ANYTHING. He doesn�t NEED me to talk to, to be a friend, BECAUSE HE HAS HER, and they talk non-stop, EVERY SINGLE DAY, about EVERYTHING !! It is NOT just about spawn, and mostly it is NOT about her, not one single syllable!!!
So, he basically only �needs� me for a hole. And even THAT, he ONLY needs �the� hole, NOT ANY PART OF THE REST OF ME. He NEVER kisses me. He NEVER cares about me. He NEVER rubs me, or caresses me, not my arms, not my legs, not my feet, not at all. And when I do come over there, he doesn�t even TALK to me, he LAYS THERE, FACING THE TV, WHILE EXPECTING ME TO �SIT� THERE, NOT EVEN RELAXING, CRANING MY NECK TO WATCH HIS SHOWS, on tv, while HE IS COMFORTABLY LAYING THERE, AND I AM RUBBING HIM !! THIS, after I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS WORKED THAT DAY, WHO HAS DRIVEN OVER 2 HOURS COMMUTING, and I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO RUSH HOME, QUICKLY TAKE A SHOWER, GET ALL NICE-LOOKING FOR HIM, THEN PUT MY THINGS IN BAGS, AND CARRY THEM ALL TO THE CAR, THEN CARRY THEM INTO HIS HOUSE, PUT THEM UPSTAIRS, AND MAKE SURE I DON�T LEAVE ANYTHING THERE, then I AM THE ONE who has to get up AT THE CRACK OF DAWN, to go to work, WHILE HE GETS TO SLEEP!!
And even if he CAN come with that argument �well YOU are the one who chose that life, and I chose MINE�, even if that IS TRUE��HE STILL DOESN�T DO ANYTHING �FOR� ME, not to make my life easier, NOTHING!!!!!
AS MENTIONED, he doesn�t even give me ONE SINGLE BIT OF PHYSICAL AFFECTION!!! AND, he can NOT come with that story that he �rubs me from the inside� THAT IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULL FUCKING SHIT, and HE KNOWS IT. He doesn�t even do the MINIMAL foreplay that HE USED TO DO�.NOW, HE BASICALLY JUST STICKS IT IN THE HOLE, period, the end, and I AM EXPECTED to PERFORM the rest of the time, with NO kissing, NO lovey comments, NOTHING AT ALL to get me in ANY sort of �mood�, and then he just tells me to �take your pants off� and then sticks it in, and I am supposed to be INSTANTLY READY, after RECEIVING NOTHING.
THIS, friends, is WHY I FUCKING DRINK.
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